Journey to The Center of The Heart

This one’s for the ladies.

Let me tell you a somewhat sad story I’ve seen happen so many times.

It’s about a girl who meets a boy.

What makes this boy stand out for her are his endearing qualities. He pays sincere attention to her and makes her feel welcome and comfortable. He initiates conversations and asks about her day. He listens attentively to her every word and gives appropriate responses, making her feel really special as if his day wouldn’t be complete if he hadn’t seen or talked to her. When he talks to her, his eyes focuses on her and makes her feel warm inside. Plus, he’s a real gentleman who maintains a respectable gentlemanly distance as a sign of respect, treating her like a lady. But he can also be very sweet and affectionate.

The girl can’t help but think he likes her. Wouldn’t you? She, as expected, falls for this boy and develops a crush on him. He isn’t the best-looking guy she has ever seen but there’s something about him that simply draws her towards him. She feels he’s genuinely interested in being more than her friend. He likes me! I think he’s even courting me! She thinks to herself. She starts considering saying ‘yes, I’ll go out with you’ to him when he finally expresses his special intentions for her. It could be any time soon, don’t you think? After all, he has been spending a lot of his time and attention on her. 

But she hears something unexpected. The boy has started courting another girl. She also hears that the boy has been liking this other girl for a long time.

It’s only then that the girl realizes that he has really been just courteous the whole time with her. It’s who he is! He was probably raised up to have good manners and was taught to be polite with women, treating them nicely. She finally sees that he treats every person, not just women, the same way he has been treating her!

Ladies, it’s easy to fall for courteous men. There’s not very many of them out there, after all. But it’s more important to be discerning. Try not to let your emotions get the better of you, and try not to project your feelings onto him. You’ll only get disappointed when you find out that he actually doesn’t requite your feelings.

You’ve got to take care of your heart.

Back in my college dorm days, my attention would always get caught by this poster hanging outside the door of one of the rooms. It says, "Assume Nothing." Now that’s the best advice when it comes to these kinds of things!

Hey, admiration is fine. Being inspired by him is okay, too. But once you start pining away for him and singling him out as the object of your affection when he’s not at all interested in making you the object of his can send you on a tailspin. And you’ll end up with a broken heart.

All because you believed that he was courting you, when he was just simply being courteous.

     "If you cannot live your single vocation well, you cannot live your marriage vocation well." ~Archbishop Tyson, Archdiocese of Seattle, WA, speaking in the Crossroads workshop for the Singles For Christ Nat’l Conference ‘06.

     It takes a lot of courage to be single.

    Ehem, it takes a lot of courage to be single and Filipino!

     At every family gathering (and we, Filipinos, have quite a few), questions relentlessly follow you, the single, around: "O, kelan ka ba?" Meaning, when are you getting married? And a surprised, "Ha!? Wala pa bang boyfriend?" (What?! Still no boyfriend?!). Followed by an accusing, "Masyado ka kasing maselan!" (That’s because you’re too picky).

     Then there are those oh-God-help-me moments when well-meaning people, who are in relationships, turn their attention to you, knit their brows, frown their lips, stroke your hair, and with pity dripping from their voices ask, "How come you’re still not going out with someone?"

      Boy, that sure makes you feel as if there’s something wrong with you!

     Here’s what I believe: I believe that being single and unattached whether looking or not looking, is a dynamic, meaningful and exciting state of life. And here’s another thing I believe: I believe that it’s up to the single to be courageous enough to make it dynamic, meaningful and exciting!

Be in a period of dynamic, proactive waiting.   

        Many people, including some singles, seem to see singlehood as a bus stop where the single just sits and warms the bench, waiting for the bus to come. Sadly, I see some singles either hurrying to skip singlehood as if it’s a curse that must be escaped from, or be in the other end of the extreme languishing in wait for the ‘one’.

      Singles, you are in the bus riding the time of our lives! Enjoy your singlehood! 

      This state is the best time to discern your vocation! What is God calling you to be to better serve His will? The religious life? Single blessedness? Marriage? Getting on the discernment process sends you on a road to deeper self-discovery and self-knowledge, which are essential ingredients in any relationship.        

      While the ‘one’ hasn’t come along yet, live your life and believe that you are enough. You are not half of a whole walking around looking for the other half. You are a whole looking for your complementary whole. God doesn’t make mistakes. He made you whole.

       Part of your journey is to ask Him to reveal to you the holes that may have appeared in your life due to life’s harsh experiences.  As you encounter these holes–weaknesses, compulsions, unhealthy emotional patterns, baggage from the past — humbly ask Him to fill them with His love. The more you discover about yourself, the closer you get to being the person God intended you to be. So work on yourself.

      How you live your life as a single will determine how you will live your life as a married person; because who you are as a single will still be the same you in marriage.

      Are you obsessed with something right now? Compulsive? Impulsive? Angry? Bitter? Resentful? Controlling? Perfectionistic? Co-dependent? Envious? Lazy? Always down on yourself? Do you lie? Sugarcoat? Cheat? Gossip? Have trust issues? Always insisting on yourself?

      People believe that marriage, in and of itself, will make them a better person. For some cases that does happen, because they made a choice to be a better person. But I’ve also seen marriages collapse because the couple had not worked on themselves as individuals first, thinking that marrying the other person would make them a better person or give them the life they’ve dreamed of, as if like magic, out of the hopeless romantic notion that love conquers all! The fact is the other person is just as human and prone to making mistakes. Love does conquer all, but only if you really work hard on it! Love is an action word after all. 

       I repeat: work on yourself. Seek ways that will help you become a better single person. Consult people whom you trust who have wisdom, and understanding who can also provide practical spiritual insight for your well-being.      

       Singlehood is also a time to build on your strengths. Discover your passion and utilize your gifts and talents to spread joy to others. God gave you your unique personality, temperament and inclinations to serve Him and bring glory to His name.  Follow your dreams, live your purpose, be of service to others.

        Be a Man of God. Be a Woman of God.  Be part of a spiritual, vibrant community where you can grow and foster your spiritual life, and meet other people–single or married–who can encourage and support you on your path. This is the time you can begin to be on the path to be all that you can be.

        When you are actively living your life, truly living from the heart and humbly following God’s will, others are attracted to you. They are inspired by you and want to be around you. And perhaps, as a result, the waiting will soon end.

         But in the meantime, have a wonderful, dynamic, meaningful and exciting time, brave single!

        So what to answer to all those questions? "Oh, don’t worry, I’m having the time of my life, praise God!"

Recommended readings:

"How To Find Your One True Love" by Bo Sanchez

"The Courage To Be Chaste" by Fr. Benedict J. Groeschel, CFR

Prayer: the single’s weapon for loneliness when friends aren’t there.

       Here’s a short passage from Fr. Benedict Groeschel’s book that can shed some comfort during those lonely moments in a single’s life:

       "Friends are great but they are not always there, especially in the dead of the night.

       For the single person, the answer is a dedicated and ordered life of prayer. This includes frequent participation in the Eucharistic liturgy and reception of the sacraments. Devotion to Christ in the Eucharis is the emotional center in the lives of many single people. Habits of daily prayer, spiritual reading, and regular meditation have become a part of the rhythm of life. A good regime of prayer can be established in a few weeks and it will carry a person through difficult times…."