Journey to The Center of The Heart

        It was one of those special, magical moments. I’m always swept away at the tenderness of it, at the vulnerability and intimacy.

        One lazy summer evening, too warm to do anything else, I did what other people would do when they were too lethargic to move away from the couch: watch more tv. To my joy, "A Beautiful Mind" was the feature presentation. My interest peaked. I hadn’t seen the movie before.

         My Dad, sitting in his comfy chair, raised his head and became alert, his apathy vanishing into the muggy air. "That’s an Oscar winner, isn’t it? It stars Russel Crowe, doesn’t it? He won Best Actor for that, didn’t he?" He asked. I answered all in one yes.

         A familiar tingling sensation filled me. It was the same feeling I would get whenever I was about to read a really good book, or see a really good movie I knew I would get lost in.

         Pretty soon, Mommy joined us and sat on the computer chair. Because it was her day-off the next day, she could spare an hour or two before going to bed. A movie rarely interested her, much less one shown from our 13-inch tv–her sensitive eyes usually send her to bed half-way through any tv show because of the tiny screen. But when she found out that "A Beautiful Mind" was based on a true story, she decided to stay for a while until her eyes could stand it no longer.

         But the story was too engrossing, too beautiful to miss or leave dangling in the middle. All three of us, with Mommy closing and resting her eyes every so often, were mesmerized at the drama unfolding  between John Nash and his wife, the characters Russel Crowe and Jennifer Connelly played respectively.

        It was so heartbreaking to see the wife struggling with her love for her genius husband who was suffering extensively from a mental breakdown with delusions a part of his reality.  She stood by him when he went through shock treatment. She stood by him when he was almost catatonic from the medication he had to take. She stood by him when he relapsed into his surreal world even when he became violent and threatening.

         From where each of us was sitting, our heads were leaned towards the tv. I had moved to the edge of the opened-up sofa-bed to be closer to the tiny screen.

         The next scene was one I would never forget not so much because the dialogue tugged at my heartstrings, or because my emotions were already hauntingly affected, or because Russel Crowe and Jennifer Connelly were so convincing in their portrayal, but because of what the scene had spurred on in my own living room.

         In the scene, Jennifer Connelly was kneeling before Russel Crowe. She took his hand and gently caressed her face with it saying, "You know what’s real? This is real…" You could feel the undying, unconditional love from her pouring out from the silver screen. 

       Then I heard my Dad get up from his comfy chair. He walked over to my Mom and stood slightly behind her. He bent down, put his hands on her shoulder and softly whispered in her ear, "You’re just as patient with me….."

         Tears sprung from eyes. I tried not to move a muscle from where I was sitting. I dared not look at them for fear that the pristine, gentle moment would shatter from my stare. My eyes stayed on the screen instead. I heard my mom chuckle softly, and I chuckled quietly to myself.

          The moment seemed to stretch the 35 years of marriage between them and played out all the struggles and triumphs, joys and hardships they’ve faced as husband and wife. What they have between them felt so tangible at that moment that I could almost reach out and touch it. But I remained where I was with my arms around my knees hugging them to my chin wondering if I would find a husband like my Dad, or be a patient wife like my Mom.

         I put the ponderings aside and thanked God for the moment. Beautiful nights don’t last long.

     I can’t stop laughing!  Actually, I’ve been laughing a lot lately…even silently…as if my soul is laughing inside. Laughing with joy!

     My grin would be the envy of a cheshire cat! It’s even past from ear to ear because of my God Who is such an awesome, good God! Praise the Lord for He is the mighty King of Zion! Praise His Holy Name! He is King of kings and Lord of lords! The Lion from the tribe of Judah! Loving, glorious God! Honor, praise and glory belongs to Him! Wisdom and power be to our God forever and ever! Amen.

     I praise Him for His refiner’s fire. The tears I shed last week were tears borne from a deep understanding of God’s love and plan for me. He has taken every single thing in my life–all the good, the bad and the ugly– and has fashioned a beautiful, colorful tapestry that weaves a story about His light and love. My past, present and future now make so much sense to me, how closely connected everything that ever was, is and will be. I can see clearly now how every single little thing that happened, is happening and will happen is precious to Him. Nothing is wasted in God’s hands. Not even the deadliest sin or the darkest pain. He gently takes them and lovingly molds them after His fashion, like a potter with his clay. The result is a beautiful vessel of His life, faith, and hope not just for me but, more importantly, for others as well. 

     Last Sunday, I went to the first women’s mini-conference  for all the women of the Couples for Christ ministries (wives of CFC, and ladies of Singles for Christ (SFC) and Handmaids of the Lord) along with my other SFC sisters. The theme was "Pure and Joyful". I looked forward to spending time with my lovely sisters and being nourished by the talks.

     On our way there, we found out through a phone call that they needed another sharer. Upon hearing this, I immediately felt warm and tingly all over. My heart started pounding against my chest. I knew without a doubt that God was calling. Then one of my sisters asked, "Would you like to give a sharing, Rio?"

     After a few seconds of wondrous silence I yelled in the car, "YES, LORD! YES, LORD! YES, LORD!" We all started laughing in joy and felt our souls praising God.

     Praise God, indeed! He had been working on my heart so much that I didn’t even complain about not having enough time to prepare! In that moment I just understood that I had to obey. In that space of a second, I also understood even more deeply Jesus as the Way, the Truth and the Life; His great love for all of humanity and His dream to gather us all back to Him–a Father missing all of His children.

     Of course, I was nervous, and not sure of what to share even when I had already given the main speaker a gist of my sharing before the conference started. But more than my nervousness, I felt His awesome, powerful Presence. My knees trembled. I sought my sisters and asked them to pray over me. I also asked Mother Mary, model of purity and joyfulness, to lend me her Fiat ("Let it be done") for Mother Mary can always be relied upon to perpetually help us in following God’s will. Her obedience to God, her human willingness to say, "Let it be done unto me according to your word, " is a fountain of strength for all to drink from. It raises up our souls to submit to God’s will.

     When I got on the stage, my nerves started settling down. I did the sign of the cross before facing the almost 250 women and a handful of men in the audience. As I turned around to face them, a solid confidence surged within me. I knew what I was going to say.

     God took over and took control, as what He does to those who are willing to be used by Him for His honor and glory. I opened my mouth and out came His Spirit of love, joy, peace, forgiveness, mercy.  His Spirit of wisdom and understanding filled and overwhelmed me. While I was speaking, I understood that He had already been preparing me for that moment. All His revelations to me in all the past and recent retreats, conferences and spiritual discussions I’ve been involved in came out. His revelations came out like millions of puzzle pieces falling into place on this gigantic jigsaw puzzle. I could see my whole journey all so clearly. I walked again on the paths of the past, recalling my pain, my rebellion, my sins, my guilt and my shame; but I also relived God’s cleansing mercy, forgiveness, compassion, love and grace that shed light to all the suffering, pain and darkness.

     My voice rang with renewed conviction as I understood the urgency of the moment for the salvation of souls. God desired so much to restore our souls to their original state–so beautiful, so radiant, so full of dignity, so part of Him.

     I sank in my seat after my sharing. I cried. One sister cradled my head, the other held my arm. Through my tears and sobs, I heard the speaker say, "Sisters, God loves Rio so much, and He loves you the same way."  I was so overwhelmed to be used by Him like that. It was so humbling…so loving. I once again understood St. Paul when he said that he would boast in his afflictions, for God’s power is strongest when we are weak.

     So many women were deeply touched that day from all the talks and sharings by fellow women from different walks of life. I prayed that they would also begin their journey towards their healing, and if they were already on the path, find renewed strength and hope that day. May they submit themselves into the Healer’s Hands, so that they can fully live a pure and joyful life, and be vessels of His healing love to others.

     And you know what’s shocking? So can you! Open your life to Our Lord Jesus Christ right now. Allow Him to take control. Let His healing light infuse your soul.

     And live a pure, joyfilled life!

(Written in Sept. 2006)

     Learning to listen is challenging.

     I still need to learn to be keenly aware of the gentle whisper inside of me. It’s the voice that always seeks to guide me on the right path, care for me and protect me. It’s the Voice of Truth.

     I notice that I can be out of touch with this voice not only during moments of negative emotional upheavals, but also when I feel giddy, excited, and overly exuberant.

     But when I am in tuned with this voice, I feel an undercurrent of peace and serenity. I can remain calm even in the midst of disoderliness, chaos, stress, extreme excitement, gushing emotions and profuse emotional stimulation.

     I see that the only way I can be in sync with this voice is when I am detached from the clamor of other voices crowding in my head, vying for my attention. These other voices promise the wide, smooth road to pain-free immediate happiness, quick success, the open arms of a new ‘lover’, instant gratification, and magic solutions to relationships. But the Voice of Truth reveals them for what they truly are: voices of deception echoing false promises.

     When I find myself drowned out by deceptive voices in and around me, I must then quiet myself and seek out the Voice of Truth within. At first it’s difficult to hear, so gentle is the One who possesses it. At times I pretend I don’t hear Him, wanting to follow the easy way of falsehood.

    But when I earnestly and sincerely call out to Him, the clearer I hear His voice, the more I am keenly aware of His whisperings, "My peace I give you. My peace I leave with you. Not as the world gives it do I give it to you…"

        Peace, serenity and lasting love.

        I am ready to listen.      

"Be still, and know that I am God." Psalm 46:10

     When we live from deep within our hearts and stay in touch with the gentle, inner voice that resides within, we don’t have to think too much if we are doing things correctly, or second-guess ourselves all the time by asking, "Am I doing the right thing?"

      We find that we no longer have to prove ourselves to anyone, no need to assert ourselves insistently. We discover that we are enough. We are no longer slaves of our own unruly impulses and compulsions, nor do we find ourselves entangled in the confusion of other people’s lives, or at the mercy of their whims. We no longer let our past, nor people define who we are.

     The journey, then, is this: reclaim your original self by seeking your Origin, who is always waiting for your return. He is deep within you beyond layers and layers of walls and masks you’ve accumulated over the years to protect yourself. And now He is gently whispering to your ear that you no longer need these facade. He yearns to set your heart free that you may live from your true self that He created. He yearns to pick you up, dust you off and put you back to where you rightfully belong–beside Him as His beloved.

      He is your deepest desire. He is the One you’ve always longed for. Trust that He who gave you life yearns to give it to you abundantly, and desires nothing more than to unite with you, His beloved. When you heed His voice–this gentle inner voice of the Lover– you stay true to yourself and find confidence. You’ve come home.

      Only, if you keep in touch.